Individual Attitudes Toward Death and Dying

"Give me your hand."

- Death

The fear of dying is natural. Not being able to emotionally cope with your own inevitable demise is quite common. This can manifest in many ways ranging from denial and refusing to even think about death, to constant obsession and morbidity. Your fears about your own death may cause you to not want to be near someone dying, even family or friends. This may be seen as callous and uncaring, but someone whose fear of their own mortality that causes this behaviour needs understanding and compassion, as well as support.

How old you were when you first became aware of death affects your perceptions of it for the rest of your life. Your reactions around a dead body or dying person can be related to an early experience where you were either frightened or comforted. Children typically do not think about death or dying at all until a family member dies. This is a potentially traumatic experience, and could leave someone with a lifetime fear of death; this can even lead to flashbacks when confronted with funerary devices (graves, mourning dress, flowers, et cetera). Children are sensitive to the drama around them—even if they are not directly told about it—they can tell when you are lying about grandma being 'on vacation'. This applies to their own deaths as well; it is perhaps better to allow a child to know the truth about her own fatal illness and to have the opportunity to talk about her feelings. Families who refuse to discuss death with their children can frighten those children who are often left confused from such an emotional time. This can lead to being uncomfortable and afraid of death as an adult—recognizing that death is a natural part of life and coming to terms with that is one of the important goals of adulthood.

Many people are comforted in their fears about death by spiritual beliefs. This is not specific to one religion; even those whose faiths that do not address the issue, or those without formal belief in any church, may find comfort in how they perceive their place in the universe. Awareness of your own death is typically increased when near the dying; being comfortable with your own mortality increases your ability to cope with being near those soon to pass. Knowing what will happen to you after death, even if your answer is 'nothing', enables you to be more comfortable with both your own mortality and with being close to the dying. Some religions correlate death with a moral failing, or some other choice or action by those that die. Believing that a person somehow causes his or her own demise is comforting, because this would make sense of a chaotic and impartial universe and gives a feeling of security—after all, if we don't engage in that behaviour, how can it kill us? This gives a false sense of fairness of death, to realise that the opposite is true leads to one thinking that death is unfair when in reality death is the ultimate in fairness. The truth of death is that it is impartial; no one is exempt.

This fear of dying can lead to some interesting phenomena, such as the departing or deathbed vision. This is where someone experiences a vision of religious figures or deceased loved ones before the actual death. These visions can occur moments, hours, or even weeks prior to passing. This is largely a comforting experience, lessening the dying person's fears. Seeing dead relatives is the most common experience, offering guidance and support. It is interesting to note that in some cases, the visitation is from someone whom the person experiencing the vision didn't know had died. This phenomenon is known to necropolitans and among healers and other caretakers of the dying, but is largely unknown to the general populace. This can be quite disturbing to the family of the dying person when they hear of the vision; this is often interpreted as being a hallucination, perhaps caused by medication, even when the dying person is chemical-free. On occasion, someone close to the dying person will experience such a vision. This may even be of the dying person offering one final message before—possibly after—their death. Unfortunately, this often lacks the comforting value of similar visions experienced by those who are dying. This often leaves those that remain behind feeling confused and troubled, however this can be seen as a part of the grieving process. The fear of being judged as less-than-sane keeps many living people quiet about their experiences, and hinders further study of this subject.

An event related to the deathbed vision is the near-death experience.

How do you talk to someone who is dying? Easy, treat them with at least as much love and honesty as you would show them if they weren't short for this world. Talk to them: share pleasant and unpleasant memories, discuss things happening at home, talk about their spiritual beliefs and fear of dying. Rather than tell them to be strong or that its all for the best, tell them that you love them, that you'll miss them, that you'll respect their final wishes. Small talk, a hug, or a quiet moment can mean a great deal to a dying person. Honesty applies to emotions—stoically holding your feelings in does neither of you any good—sometimes it takes strength to cry. Just because they may not last long in this world doesn't make them any less of a person—don't be afraid to laugh and cry with them. After all, you wouldn't be there at their deathbed if you didn't care about them.